As I mentioned in part 1 it is not healthy to either deny or embrace the hurts of our pasts. I also asked the question, how then should we deal with them? I attempted to answer the first part of this question in part 1 – that is we must first of all become decisively aware of the fact that we live in a fallen world and all hurt stems from this fallen ness. The reason for this is so we do not get stuck blaming others instead of dealing with our hurt in a redemptive way. So what is the next step to dealing with the pain from our pasts?
Once again I would like to suggest to you that ignoring the problem does not provide a solution. I have heard the argument that we need to “(forget) those things which are behind and (reach) forth to those things which are before”, this is of course in reference to the apostle Paul’s words in Philippians 3:13. To use this verse to defend willfully ignoring the pain from our pasts is, I believe, taking it badly out of context. Most of us would agree that when someone becomes a Christian there are certain things that must be done to rectify our pasts. To say that we should completely forget our pasts is to say that we should never go back to resolve a conflict or make restitution. I have heard of many people who have long lists of things that they have “gone back” and righted after committing their life to Christ, and I think any Christian would agree that this should be done. If I understand this verse corrrectly Paul is referring to leaving behind the all things that would hinder him reaching his prize. He was also leaving behind any trust in the physical accomplishments of his past knowing that the one most important thing he was after was reaching the prize. One could argue that that willful ignorance of past wrongs is not leaving behind your past, it is staying in the past because of the simple fact that ignoring problems does not make them go away. So, in essence, someone who holds onto the bitterness of the past is doing exactly the opposite of what Paul is saying here, and he may not even be aware of it. I recently asked a counselor what he says to someone who says he is just keeping people in their pasts. His answer was that his goal was not to keep people in their pasts, but to help them be released from their pasts. This is the essence of what I am talking about. Total forgiveness is when we truly “leave” the past behind. When we do not need to keep bringing it up and it no longer impacts the way we live, act, and react because we have been set free from it.
Reaching this point, however, is the key. I cannot do justice to the process in this blog, but I believe that there are some simple* steps that must take place. First we must acknowledge that we have been wronged. It doesn’t matter who it was: our best friend, our pastor, our teacher, or our parents, we must concede the fact that a wrong was done. It may not have been done intentionally, it may not have been meant, and it may not have even been realized; but we must still admit that it was done. We then need to take it to the foot of the cross, give it to Christ, and lay it down. Finally we must let God administer healing to our hearts. This healing takes time. Someone has said “forgiveness is a choice healing is a process”. The last step and sometimes the most difficult is that we must continue to lay the offence down. Satan will constantly try to get us to take it back up. Many fall prey to this ploy – they feel that they have forgiven the person and then let down their guard only to pick the offense up once more without even realizing it. There also may be times we need to go to the person and confront their offense, but this probably depends on the situation.
This is a much oversimplified version of what I believe needs to take place in the process of true forgiveness. I do not want leave the impression, however, that it is just a quick easy step by step process. For some it is a tremendous struggle and it can get very messy. Many times it is accompanied by powerful emotions. Many refuse to go there because they do not want to face what may be awaiting them, but for those that do the end result is a wonderfully powerful step toward becoming more alive and whole. This then needs to be translated into a life that glorifies and magnifies God, which is very difficult to do when one’s life is occupied by bitterness.
The question is where are you? Have you allowed God into the deepest darkest places of your heart and asked Him to clean house. Have you surrendered you’re your pain and bitterness to Him. Unresolved bitterness is like a cancer that is contagious. It destroys friendships, marriages, churches, and people. It is the antithesis of what Christ came to accomplish here on earth. Don’t carry it any longer.
The beauty of the Gospel is that its primary message is redemption. As people we can be reunited with the God who we forsook and we can be reconciled to those with whom we have been estranged. God can and does heal and restore, but we must allow Him. So do not get stuck blaming your problems on those who have hurt you, acknowledge the wrong, take it to Jesus, lay it down, and walk free my friend – walk free.
*simple does not necessarily mean easy
